My 2012 Anti-Resolutions

Posted on Dec 30, 2011 in Anti-Resolutions, Featured, General Silliness, Writing | 0 comments

It’s time get the new year off to a creative start—and make some resolutions you’ll actually keep in the process.

The rules are simple:

• List ten things you resolve NOT to do in the upcoming year.
• Be as creative as possible.

To get this thing rolling, here are…

My 2012 New Year’s Anti-Resolutions

1. I will NOT lobby Congress to change the national motto to “Riiiiiicolaaaaaaa.”
2. I will NOT convince my kids that the DVDs I bought them are in the new FOOD-Ray format, which converts their TV into Taste-O-Vision.
3. I will NOT introduce leitmotif into my home, by composing original themes for each cat and humming their assigned theme whenever they enter the room.
4. I will NOT use my impending 40th birthday to begin my crusade to start the new tradition of Birthday Pie.
5. I will NOT use my new status as an ordained minister of the FSM, to hang around the pasta bar and blessing the plates of strangers.
6. I will NOT start a movement encouraging use of the upcoming “end of the world” as a way to clear up personal debt.
7. I will NOT alter the kids birth certificates to list Gonzo the Great as their father so as to make them believe they are a new breed of Muppet hybrid.
8. I will NOT attempt to convince the Pipe & Drum Band to add Harmonicas as an accompanying instrument.
9. I will NOT, when it’s time to renew my phone contract, insist that they allow me purchase the secret intra-cranial smartphone that’s talked about in the “secret memo.”
10. I will NOT start an email hoax insisting that the baking mixes for Yellow Cake, actually contain uranium.

My 2011 Anti-Resolutions

Posted on Dec 31, 2010 in Anti-Resolutions, Featured, General Silliness, Writing | 7 comments

It’s time get the new year off to a creative start—and make some resolutions you’ll actually keep in the process.

The rules are simple:

• List ten things you resolve NOT to do in the upcoming year.
• Be as creative as possible.

To get this thing rolling, here are…

My 2011 New Year’s Anti-Resolutions

1. I will NOT try to get my kids to use rechargeable batteries by telling them that every time they throw away a regular battery an angel loses its wings.
2. I will NOT try to free up spaces next to me on the bus by reading aloud from my Kindle version of The Anarchist’s Cookbook.
3. I will NOT lobby the local school board to teach the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, even though String Theory teaches us that at the sub-atomic level we are all rather noodly.
4. I will NOT, assuming I earn my Kilt this year, bedazzle it so as to make myself more visible.
5. I will NOT found a new religion with a bovine deity in an attempt to deduct my over-consumption of Red Bull from my taxes.
6. I will NOT sink my savings into an attempt to have MTV Games add Kazoo Hero to their stable of video games.
7. I will NOT legally change my name to Inigo Montoya so that I have a unique pick-up line to use when meeting women.
8. I will NOT pursue my loves of science and writing by completing my draft of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Nuclear Fusion in the Home.
9. I will NOT announce myself at my friends’ doors with…Knock, knock, knock, “Penny”, knock, knock, knock, “Penny”, knock, knock, knock, “Penny.”
10. I will NOT go an entire year without using question marks, while mocking my friends because of their use of mongrel punctuation.

My 2010 Anti-Resolutions

Posted on Dec 29, 2009 in Anti-Resolutions, Featured, General Silliness, Writing | 0 comments

It’s time get the year off to a creative start—and make some resolutions you’ll actually keep in the process.

The rules are simple:

• List ten things you resolve not to do in the upcoming year.
• Be as creative as possible.

To get thing rolling, here are…

My 2010 New Year’s Anti-Resolutions

• I will not free up room to take in borders by convincing my kids to sleep in more “convenient” places—like the oven or bathtub.
• I will not try to spice up the Winter Olympics in my house, by convincing each family member that they were adopted from various cold-weather countries.
• I will not open job interviews by asking if I should have listed my RockBand Drum skills on my resume.
• I will not try to push day-glo sombreros as the next fashion trend.
• I will not hang around the seafood section of the grocery store trying to convince the patrons to throw their “catches” back.
• I will not attempt to create balance in the universe by making only left hand turns.
• I will not try to addict my kids to crystal-meth in order to take wagers on who can resist the longest.
• I will not try use my old boxer shorts as material for a “more interesting” type of quilt.
• I will not try to become famous by faking an Easter Bunny sighting by supplying a fake pelt as evidence.
• I will not use the ridiculous number of Slurpees I buy as justification to initiate a hostile takeover of the nearby convenience store.

Originally posted on where six writers talk about the trials and tribulations of their writing lives. And each Tuesday the soapbox belongs to me.

How I Learned of My Own Death

Posted on Feb 23, 2009 in General Silliness | 2 comments

I died yesterday.

I know this because the internet told me so.

Actually my own blog told me.

As I’m sure many of you do, I occasionally check my blog stats. The plug-in I use includes a section that gives me the search results that someone used to find my blog. Yesterday, three rather curious searches showed up within a few hours. Two people on separate computers searched for “dale roe death” while a third searched for “the death of dale roe.”

Now this was a little disconcerting to say the least. When you think about dying you think that…well, that you’d be the first to know. Or at least right up near the top.

But no, it seems that I was, at best, the fifth to find out this disturbing news.

Further investigation revealed that a gentleman by the name of Dale Roe, who was the Athletic Director of a high school in Viginia, was the one that passed away.