Powerlessness is the worst feeling in the world—the feeling that you have no control over your own life.

Lately it seems like every time I check my news feeds, there’s a new story about another mass shooting, or another normal person who went mad. It’s easy to demonize these people, especially as they rarely survive their own rampages. But I suspect that if they were to survive and tell their own stories, we’d all be secretly ashamed to admit that we might understand them just a little bit. I do.

Not their actions, to be sure. But the inner turmoil that tore their minds to shreds is something we’re all dealing with right now.

Is powerlessness worse than grief? No, they’re basically the same thing. Powerlessness is at the very heart of grief. We grieve because me miss someone or something and are powerless to bring them back.

Heartbreak is the same thing. We love someone and we can’t do anything about it.

Right now I am powerless.

Completely and utterly without power.

I have no job. And no matter how many jobs I apply for I get no calls. The only income I have is from unemployment, something I have never had to resort to. Last week I spent 6 hours in line to apply for food stamps. And just yesterday my sweetie had to sit in line for another 5 hours to get help with the power bill.

My kids ask for money to buy little things, and I have to say no. My sweetie or I would like to go out for dinner but we can’t afford to. I try to sleep, but I lie awake in bed, so I go back to my computer for some late night job browsing and ultimately fall asleep at my desk. I used to consider myself employable—after all I have a Bachelor’s degree, plenty of experience in my field, and I’m damn good at what I do. But a lot of good it’s doing me right now.

On top of that, friends have died, and too many friends have lost family members in the last few months. I had hoped to give my sweetie a tiny vacation in the form of a weekend getaway, but she just canceled because we can’t afford it.

It’s maddening to sit up late at night, my mind frantically searching for any way out of the situation we’re in, but nothing comes. I can’t read anymore because my mind wanders. I can’t write anymore because I’m apathetic. And frankly the only reason I can find not to do something drastic is that 5 people depend on me.

Recovery…moving on…happiness….they all just seem so out of reach.

There is no worse feeling…